Day 20: What does it mean to lead a meaninglsess life?

27932_10151590663440708_1316957179_nI am tired of reading. The internet seems to be full of sites with well-meaning advice, like “10 ways to lead a happier life” or “the 15 most important reasons you should leave your job” etc. In addition, there are thousands who post pictures of beautiful locations on earth. These raise an expectation that if you go to any of these place you will just feel great, be in awe, and fall in love with those places and the people there and thus forget all your problems, struggles, and issues. But I found this is not so. I have spend last year on a boat in the Mediterranean not doing very much and this year even sailed from Malaysia to the Maldives. But I certainly carried all my problems with me, as well as my worries, my anxieties, my fears, etc. They subsided for a while in the beginning, when I was occupied by new impressions and the challenges I faced in an unknown and unfamiliar environment. But as soon as I came to a rest, my issues re-appeared. There was no stopping them.

There is also a lot of sites where people are claiming “I love my life”. Do they really? I love my life too (at least I thought so). Sometimes at least. And other times I really don’t. Why would someone post “I love my life”? And more importantly, why would I read it? The only reason for me to read it would be because I actually do not love my own life and therefore seek a lifestyle that I could enjoy more. Certainly those people who claim they love their lives can be, and have been, an inspiration for me to change something in my life. They became a “permission slip” that allowed me to change my life. But what for? Did it really change something inside of me too? Did I become happier or a better person? Or was the change merely on the outside?

So far I have to admit that despite all the changes I applied to my life during the past five years on the outside (engaging in spirtuality and new age thinking, quitting my job, travelling to beautiful destinations, buying a sailboat), not much has changed inside of me. I am still troubled by my mind and the thoughts I am having about the future.

And there is one particlar idea that I just cannot get rid of. And this is the idea that I have to find meaning.

Years ago, my job did not seem meaningful. So I quit and started to travel. But that also did not seem meaningful. So I stopped that too and purchased a sailboat to live freely on the worlds oceans under my own terms. But not long ago this idea also turned out not be that meaningful to me.

Actually, the search for meaning is repeating itself over and over in my life. I engage in something and soon after I do not find it meaningful. So I stop it and search for something else that could give meaning to my life. But I never find it. And now I am not even able to find anything that even temorarily seems meaningful enough to engage in. Why is this so? Why is the search for meaning so present in my thoughts and why can’t I find it?

When I look at this issue from a different angle I realize that the idea that nothing in this world is meaningful allows me to disengage from reality. This includes people, situations, and places. Since none of that is meaningful, why bother about it?

The belief also protects my ego. Since nothing is meaningful, I might just focus only on myself and my own well-being and indulge completely in self-pleasuring activities.

Last but not least this idea allows me stop searching for meaning. Since there is no meaning in life (as per my belief and definition) it can never be found. So why try to find it?

I realize that this belief in meaninglessness puts me in a state of inactivity. If I am not forced to do anything, I wont do it (because it is meaningless). Even so-called pleasurable activities (like having sex or a good conversation, enjoying nature, eating tasty foods or getting drunk) are not meaningful and therefor I consider them useless for engagement.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the meaninglessness of life on earth.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief of a meaningless existence, which in turn provided a reason for me to disengage from this reality.
  • I commit myself to further investigate the belief of my life’s meaninglessness and the idea of meaning of life on earth in general.
  • I commit myself to investigate the consequences of this belief for my own life and that of others.
  • I commit myself to examine the blocks I carry against changing the belief in a meaningless existence as I already see how it is not beneficial for myself or the rest of the world.

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