Yesterday a friend told me that in 20 years I will still find excuses that allow me to not commit to anything, including people, and that I am an energy vampire. At first, I was pretty shocked about this statment, especially since I dont know this person very well. But I also felt there was a lot of truth in it. I had actually felt this way quite some time. But I did not want to admit to myself that I was acutally sucking energy out of other people. Instead I accused them for sucking the energy out of me. For example by forcing me to do things I did not want to do or did not see important or even necessary. Like cleaning up the rooms, helping with chores around the house, or spending time talking or cuddling, etc. This even ended up in discussions about who is right or wrong and whose wishes or demands are finally carried out, even against the will of the other.
At that point, when these useless accusations and meaningless conflicts about chores and responsibilites arose, I began to stop and look at it. I was asking myself: what am I doing here? Is this really important? Why am I resisting the request to help around the house? Why am I so concerned about “more important things”, about my personal freedom, about directing my life alone and without thinking about other I live together with? This could not be right. And then it occured to me that I was actually sucking energy out of other people by refusing to do these chores and instead engaging in meaningless discussion about them. I began to ask myself if my friend had actually been right about me and whether I was indeed an energy vampire. And as I investigated this question further, I actually found many areas in my life where I was living like a parasite and energy vampire. Here is a list of some of them:
- I was trying to live cheaply, even for free, for example in a friends house or community building
- I was trying to save my money as much as I could and not spend it on anything anymore that was not absolutely required
- I did not want to do any “chores” and instead use my time to find ways to earn money in the easiest way possible
- I was trying to find friends who would take care of me without me having to invest anything into that relationship
It was clear that I was actually really behaving like an energy vampire. I was using people for my own benefit and did not care at all about their lives and their well-being in our relationships. It was all about me, my money, my time, my well-being, me feeling free, me disengaged from all around me, me living as a parasite.
This could not be right. I was wondering why I did behave like this and what the actual causes for such behavior were. I realize quickly that this behavior as a parasite and energy vampire was rooted in fear. A few years ago I had quit my job because I found it to be unbarable, meaningless, enslaving. So I quit and since then I never took up another job. I did not want one. I did not want to get into the same situation of enslavement that I had left a few years back. And because of the fear to lose all my money over time and the fear of having to take up another job eventually, I started becoming interested in a minimalistic lifestyle. I believe this by itsself is not really a bad thing since we consume so much trash that a little less consumerism would probably be a good thing for me and this world. But I was totatlly unaware of that this idea finally resulted in me becoming this parasitig beast and even defending it with arguments like: why should I do those chores if it is you who wants it? Why dont you do it yourself instead of forcing your opinion upon me? Why should I care, after all it is your house? Etc. etc. etc.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by money.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own interests (e.g. economic survival) beyond everything else.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an inconsiderate energy vampire and economic parasite in the attempt to secure my own economic survival for as long as possible.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equalize work with slavery instead of looking for engagements that I find meaningful, necessary, and helpful in order to help release the stronghold of money on the people of this world, including myself.
- I commit myself to stop behaving like a parasite or energy vampire and take care of myself by using my energy so support myself instead of wasting my energy to the mind worrying about who is right or wrong, accusing and blaming others.
- I commit myself to take of myself and others by finding engagements and relationships that are of mutual benefit to all involved.
- I commit myself to stop excusing myself with an endless list of reasons for not interacting with this rotten world and instead use my energy to dissolve structures that bind and enslave the beings in this world.
- I commit myself to not rely on anybody else for my own survival or for walking the path together with me that I commit myself to.