It has been a rough journey during the past couple of weeks. In retrospect I can see quite clearly, how my porn addiction has caused a couple of bad decisions and developments in my life during the past years even, that led me deeply into social isolation and depression. I attribute this to my constant desire for sexual gratification through either porn and masturbation, or sex with my partner. This need grew constantly over the years and culminated more recently in an awareness of the problem, so that I could not longer deny before my self that I had developed a serious addiction to porn/sex. Yesterday the curtain fell and I had to face it.
I know I have been watching porn for years, even while in relationships, with a steady increase in the amount of porn I was watching each week. I never really thought it was an addiction (although I guessed) and clearly had not realized until now how addicted it was to watching it. But this week I needed to take a closer look because I realized that porn was almost all I could think about. This was too getting too far out of hand. And while browsing some reddit subs on other topics I found out about what is called PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) addiction and I realized that I was guilty, so to speak, at almost any of the points mentioned. So here was the clear piece of information right in front of my eyes that showed me without a doubt that I was addicted to porn. No way of denying it. And I did not want to either.
In facing the issue, the solution also became clear, even though it was hard to hear that. I had to stop this! And in fact, I already stopped a few days back with the realization in mind that I might be addicted to porn – which yesterday turned out to be true. And the only way to stop that addiction was to not engage in watching porn or masturbating ever again. This was a tough pill to swallow but it had to be done. I knew it had to be done and I wanted to do it, to stop it once and for all, now.
However, the pressure to masturbate again, or watch a movie for one last time, only one last time, was undeniably there. It was very strong, almost unbearable. But I was able to not give into it, did not watch a movie, in fact deleted all movies from my hard drive, and did not satisfy myself either. The past few days were tough, but it seems to get better now. I am not craving for sex or masturbation that much and I think I can handle it from now on. And I will.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to porn over the years.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about the pleasure of porn and sex all day most of the day.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in the physical pleasure masturbation to the extend that it began to control most of my activities during the day, as I was mostly thinking about when and where to find the time to do it again.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be ruled by porn.
- I commit myself to stop watching porn from now on to the end of my life and beyond.
- I commit myself to not masturbate ever again in my life.
- I commit myself to investigate the process of becoming addicted to porn.
- I commit myself to expose the mechanics behind addiction and demon possession, as far as I understand them from my own experience of the matter.