There is this mind-control system in place that is called “The Matrix” in the movie series with the same title. We are all subject to its influences, and mostly unaware of its existence we are unconsciously driven by it. Our thoughts, our emotions, our desires for a fulfilling partnership or job, for recognition of our work and acceptance of who we are, or simply for more happiness in our lives are triggered by this matrix. Everytime we follow one of these impulses we tie ourselves more strongly to this matrix and increase its stonghold in our lives.
I became aware of this matrix for the first time about 5 years ago, when over a time period of a couple of weeks I somehow obtained more clarity and could suddently “see” this matrix and its operations. But this clarity did not last. Altough at that time I also began to become aware of my own ego as well of the colletice human ego and how they produced all the manifestations I could see in this world, I was not able to hold and maintain this awareness. The awarness gradually, perhaps even quickly, and very quietly declined without me even noticing it. At the same time it rapidly gave birth to an inflated, spiritual ego, which replaced my former ego in an instant without me realizing it for years. Until yesterday.
I cannot even explain at this moment how it came about that was unable to see this spiritual ego for such a long time even though it was reflected to me by my environment and the people in it every single day (I had my blinders on big time). I cannot explain either why I was able to see through all this yesterday in a fleeting moment of clarity. But what I can say is that over the past 5 years I implemented a lot (a lot!) of outer changes in my life becaue I thought I had understood what the matrix was and that after this understanding I was now operating outside of it so that it rules would not apply to me anymore. Big mistake. Very big mistake. It was nothing like that at all. All it was was a largely inflated ego that drove me deeper into frustration, anxiety, worry, even fear. And I, through my now inflated spiritual ego, pushed it all aside because I was so convinced that I had dropped my ego long ago. Therefore I was now unable to see it in operation.
So what happened yesterday? For about the past 10 days I had been living alone, which was the first time in about 18 months of travel and being together with people. Those 10 days were filled with distractions of all kinds. With browsing through the internet more or less randomly, with reading blogs, with lying in the sun, with listening to music, etc., etc. etc. During those days I had felt some pressure rising inside of me that I wanted to release by following these distractions. But it did not work well. The pressure was building up more and more. So yesterday I was asking me what I was actually doing here. I asked myself why I was alone, why I was on a boat, why I had so many failing relationships over tha past months, why my economic situation has not gone better, why I kept worrying about all of this, why I was struggling internally with my lifes situation, why I did not like my life, why I did not like my situation, why I did not like what I did, and why I did not even liked me and who I was anymore. I wrote these questions down on paper and suddenly I SAW on paper in black and white before my eyes this word “I” appearing all over the place. There was no conern for others. There was only this word “I” that stuck out.
And this schocked me to the bone. Was I really that egoistic that there was no concern for others anymore in my life? Was there really no room for anything except me? Obviously this was the case. And I could see this fact even reflected back to me through almost all of the realtionships that I was having over that past year or so. I was egoistic and so I was thus surrounded by egoistic people as well. It was as simple as that.
I had given my energy to activities and behaviors that would fulfill my desire for a new and fulfilling raltionship, for a new and fulfilling way to earn money, for a new and fulfilling way to become happy with my life. But these ideas to which I had became so attached over time, and I realize this now, were Matrix programs to simply keep me inside the matrix and in economic slavery, out of which I sought to escape through applying the very same behavior that kept me in it, which are the search for a fulfilling partnership, job, and lifestyle.
But all these wishes are born inside the Matrix and only reflected programs of the matrix. And this is exactly the reason why the matrix is so seductive. Because it promises you that you can have it all. You can have a fulfilling relationship, you can have a rewarding job, you can have a happy life. All you have to do is to follow some rules, become a good member of society, get a job, and think about yoursel first and only. And this is now the state of the world we find ourselves in. An egoistic world in which everybody fights for themselves.
But the world outside the matrix is different. It is shaped by standing up for what is right in this world instead of standing up for what the “I” wants. It is shaped by taking responsibility not only for ones own life, but also for the lives of others who cannot (for whatever reason) care for themselves. It is shaped by the concern for others and their struggles and not by supporting their egos and their egotistical desires. It is shaped by considering what is good and best for all and by forgetting about ones own pure self-interest.
It is now clear to me that my thoughts, emotions, and desires drove me deeper into the matrix than ever before. It is now clear to me that I cannot trust my thoughts or my emotions becaue they are programs of the matrix that make me feel right, happy, fulfilled, and on track with “my” life – all in the interest of “my” ego and that of the matrix of separation. It is now clear to me that I must stop following those thoughts and emotions and become very wary and aware of the choices I make and why I make them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in pure self-interest.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my blinders on in order to not have to see and face what the world is trying to show me through my realtionships.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to trust this “I”, which simply is the ego and which through thoughts and emotions triggered my desires for a new and better relationship, new and better work, and new and better lifestyle.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being too weak to face lifes challenges here and now and instead escape into a world of fantasy.
- I commit myself to stop following my thoughts and desires without examining where they come from and where they will lead.
- I commit myself to allowing only those thoughts and emotions to trigger my actions and behaviors that are not based in pure self-interest.
- I commit myself to detach from the matrix, stop all behaviors which are based in pure-self interest or in support of the matrix and the people in it.
- I commit myself to finding ways to live my life in such a way that it supports others so that can also begin to see their bondage to the matrix and then, together, find ways to release us all from the stronghold of the matrix.
- I commit myself to become free of the matrix and help free others too.
- I commit myself to wath my ego and find others who help me see when I am operating from it.