Day 81: Backed up against the wall of my own illusions

Two days ago, on Jan 1, 2021, I embarked on a 78-Day Tarot-Challenge in order to get in touch with my inner process. I wanted to use the Tarot particularly to find out more about the driving forces that I had allowed to direct my life and hoped that through studying the Tarot I would become better able to use my intuition more clearly as I was sensing that I could not trust my mind any longer. Actually, whenever I thought I had understood something through my mind about me and my process, it turned out to be a lie. A lie to myself, hidden behind all those good reasons and my so-called understanding. But actually, the truth of the matter is that I never understood anything and understand nothing yet. My mind was and obviously still is so cunning that I cannot believe any of what it has to say. Whenever I believed that this time “I really got it” – I had to find out, sooner or later, that I was self-deceiving myself again and again and again. It never stopped. All my convictions, plans, commitments, nothing but lies. They never stood the test of time, not even for a few days. It was only a great self-deception, putting only my self-interest out there, justifying it with all sorts of “good reasons” that I did not need to actually change – yet, and always hiding the true reason, which was my self-intererst to remain what I was and my incapacity to change to live a harmless and life-supporting life.

Even the first Tarot reading showed me this. I pulled the 7-of-wands which shows a man backed up against the wall, with no way out and no escape possible. This is how I feel. Backed up against the wall of my own illusions and facing reality as it is.

I know the fight has been lost. I cannot hold up my cherished illusions any longer or protect them. I have lost the fight against the person I decided to become, carrying all the illusions about himself around and protecting them through the mind and its argumentations. There was and there is no other way than accepting the horrible truth I have become who I am and that I don’t like it. I don’t like being unable to change. I don’t like being dependent on others. I don’t like the need of money and others forms of support to be able to live. I don’t like being responsible for the rape of the planet in order to have internet, a laptop, a car, a stove, electricity, a full fridge, etc. I know these things are not even needed. But I still buy them and I also buy poisoned food in the grocery store, drink poisoned water or beer for the worst, and even breathe toxic air. I throw my trash in the trash bin with no thoughts about where it might end. I buy useless stuff recklessly and without concern for anyone except me. I know this behavior is unsustainable. I know this behavior is irresponsible. I know this behavior is life-threating. And I still cannot stop it. I face all those issues and they are pointing their fingers at me and threatening me like the person in the 7-of-wands-card, but I am not stopping them.  Why in hell do I not stop them? What is my mind making me believe so that I can turn away from this realization over and over and over and keep doing these things? I can’t actually believe I am doing it, but I do. I do it every day and I hate it. I hate it so much that I also hate myself for doing it and want to give up, because I cannot live with who I have become. And if I don’t change now, I am only making things worse. This thought is unbearable. It has nothing to do with intuition. This is naked reality, staring me directly in the face.

Through the Tarot card 7-of-wands I could suddenly see for a moment how I was protecting myself through all this mind chatter that was constantly going on inside my head. And then, synchronistically, I also encountered a few blogs in the creations-journey-to-life-series which pointed out the same issue. Wow, I could not believe this. I was shocked and could not move as if hypnotized by KAA, the snake in The Jungle Book. All of a sudden I knew that I could not continue for one second with who I had become. This was the end. It is over now.

After the initial shock I realized that it was really time now to also reconsider my commitments and become serious about them. The 78-Day Tarot-Challenge was certainly not the way to go. Or maybe it was. Because it actually was good that I followed my intuition and started that reading in wich I pulled a card that opened my eyes. But I realize that there were more important things to take care of. For one thing I realized that the deception of my own mind went deeper than I had ever thought and so my mind needs to be kept under control and closely watched all the time. Because for a moment I could see through some of that self-deception and how, through my commitments, excuses, argumentations and all the stuff going around in my mind I would never be able to stop who I had become and change that. Because I had become the content of my mind. I actually WAS my mind, I AM my mind. I would only be able to change by stopping the mind, stopping the studies, and act. So one very important action would be to do the daily self-forgiveness and writings. And also stop thinking so much and do stuff. Go in the garden and grow some food, do another tarot reading if it suits someone, talk to people about what you already know, and write write write about it whenever the weather is crap and when nobody is around to talk to. But don’t read anymore. Enough reading. Enough of the mind-games and new and interesting ideas to be followed and explored forever and ever until eternity. Support life and stop killing it. That’s more than enough work for many lifetimes to come.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind go rampant to keep the illusion of who I am up and unchallenged.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue my mind-games to hold up the lies I told myself about myself and the world and its problems.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that indeed only physical action, and the stopping of other actions, can stop who I have become if I don’t like that. No argumentations will help.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to re-enforce old thinking patterns and beliefs, like for example the belief that I cannot change, in order to keep my lifelong investment in what I have become stable and unchallenged.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt new ideas about who I am and give life to them through my mind, but not my actions.
• I commit myself to stop thinking about ways to change myself or how to do it and actually do it.
• I commit myself to not wait until I have understood more, found out what the right thing to do would be, and actually act now in ways that are best for all.
• I commit myself to stop studying and seeing myself as the Hermit who needs to understand the world before he acts, as that is just another escape into the mind to justify inaction.
• I commit myself to not accept who I have become as that person is not who I want to be.
• I commit myself to not accept who I have become as that person is not supporting life.
• I commit myself to stop consuming things I do not need.
• I commit myself to stop consuming ideas I do not need.
• I commit myself to not ever again drink beer or other forms of alcohol.
• I commit myself to be not so damn serious about the last point concerning  the beer (okay with all other form of alcohol though), because after all I am still only human (lol).
• I commit myself to not try to escape to other countries and build up a self-sustaining life there.
• I commit myself to not escape into mind-games and illusion that stop me from acting.
• I commit myself to stop all escape plans and do what I need to do here and do it now as I already know exactly what to do to support life and not destroy it.