During the past few days I realized that a number of feelings repeatedly arose. For example I had been feeling upset a couple of times by the reactions and demands that others expressed towards me. I accused them for being dishonest, self-centered, egoistic, and for betrying and exploiting me in dishonesty and realized that such feelings had affected major life changing decisions in my recent past. In this I was accepting myself as the victim, which allowed to me accuse others and blame them for my need to change my life once and again.
A deeper investigation of the victim role and why I have accepted and allowed it to rule many if not most of my decisions lead to some points which need further investigation. One important point was my strong desire for freedom and thus for my wish to be independent from others and the incapbility to commit to any path, lifestyle, partnership, work or living location. This went as far as hating my body for the demands it puts on me in order to feed it on a daily basis. I cannot recall wantig this body and having to take care of it and thus I feel victimized and search for a scapegoat that I can blame for it and who then has to take care of my body because I did not want it and thus refuse the responsibilty for it. In much the same way I am hating my thoughts and desires that I have about freedom and which force me to seek for that freedom anywhere and everywhere. I don’t want to accept the responsibility to become free since I believe freedom is a birthright nobody has to fight for just in the same way as nobody should be forced to fight for survival in this world.
It seems that I am simply not willing to take responsibility for my life (because I feel I did not ask for it) and certainly not for that of others. I refuse such responsibilities and search for someone to do it for me. But I also realize and understand that in the same way in which I dont wish to take responsibility for another persons life or well-being, they should not and cannot be forced to take over responsibility for mine. And even if they would agree to do it, I would object and refuse to live under their governance because that would totally go against my idea of freedom.
So I have a conflict here. I have a life and a body that I did not want and that I have to deal with. This makes me unfree. In order to be free I would like to not have that responsibility and rather give it away. But I cannot give it away either because that too would make me unfree.
I tried to resolve this issue and while in the process a lot of fears, projections, and escpae behaviours came up I am still lost in confusion concerning my ideas of freedom, bondage, responsibility and committment. Even after hours of dealing with these questions I am not clear about my ideas in this matter, why I have them, how it all relates to my victim role and my repeated behaviours of trying to escape and avoid responsibility instead of simply facing life in the physical, how to make sense of it, resolve it, and change it.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused over the ideas of freedom, bondange, victimhood, responsibility, and committment.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for excuses that allow me to escape unpleasant situations rather than standing up to them in truth, facing the my confusing and my questions in honesty, and trying to find a solution.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and accuse others in an attempt to avoid self-responsibility for my life and my well-being.
- I commit myself to investigate these points further, dissect them one by one and their relationship to each other and not stop until a honest and complete resolution and sufficient clarity has been reached.