Day 83: The pursuit of Perfection–a humbling experience

When I look at some of the other Journey-to-life blogs and the Desteni material collection in general I wonder who it was that has made this enormous effort to put it all out there for us. I find it well explained and well presented too. And its a huge collection. I see the same good and serious work on many other sites on the web as well, whereas my writing is generally still very scattered, unorganized, and often times sloppy.

I attribute this to the fact that I feel very often pushed to do the writing quickly. I don’t know why this is so, but this feeling for the need to rush things, to go quickly from one place to another, to move quickly from one activity to another, to change now, just to get it done and have my head free again for the next thing to contemplate, is very present in my life. It seems, however, that this rush is only felt when it comes to physical action, for example like working in the garden or taking a walk in the woods. But it applies to my writing as well, which actually also is a form of physical actvity even though I have not considered as a worthy one until now.

On the other hand I am often very lazy, spending hours meditating, just pondering, reading, listening to my thoughts, not doing anything else except contemplating my life and writing my thoughts down for myself in my diary. But putting it out on the web requires additional effort that seems to steal my time away from further contemplations that I so cherish. So there would be a lot of time available to me to actually get things physically done, but there is often very litte impulse to do so. Actually, I have to force myself to do it. And then, when I actually do something physically, like taking a walk in the woods or working in the garden, I want to finish it quickly so that I can return to my private contemplations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to control my behavior in such a way as to feel and consider physical action as stealing away my precious time from more important contemplations that I have to make and to which I urgently need to return to.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to find a lot of pleasure and internal peace when contemplating life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in contemplations about life rather than acting physically in this world to change things for the better.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself of shun the company of others so that I can return to my contemplations and not be disturbed by their presence.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to what I read in books or what is going in my own mind than to consider what most other people have to say about the things that bother them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider most, if not all, activities that are carried out by the people in my immediate environment to be worthless and unimportant idle work that is not bringing about a world that is best-for-all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my own contemplations about what is best-for-all-life in private, rather than speaking openly about it so that other people can actually enter into a dialogue with me about these questions, if they choose to do so.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not regard my writing as an important physical action and thus judge the time I need for contemplating the points I want to make in my writing as a waste of time, that keeps me away from more important things (like growing my own food), even though I feel that it is the other way round and I actually feel that the time in the garden takes precious time away from my writing.
• I commit myself to give equal consideration to my writing and my work in the garden and regard my writing as an important physical activity that is well worth doing.
• I commit myself to not let myself be pushed by the idea that I need to act physically in my garden, have to take a walk in the woods, or do some other physical activity to get out of my mind, before I am finished with my contemplations.
• I commit myself to contemplate a point that bothers me until it has come to such clarity within myself, that I actually can write or speak about it in clear words.
• I commit myself to not contemplate a point that bothers me until it has reached a point of unquestionable ultimate clarity within myself as that would mean I will never write as there will always be something else to contemplate about this point so that I will never achieve the ultimate clarity and thus never write.
• I commit myself to not want to achieve perfection in my writing, neither in clarity nor form, as perfection can never be achieved.
• I commit myself to share my process openly and understand it is a process that will never end and thus always remains imperfect.
• I commit myself to give more attention to my public appearance on the web and in real life and do not hide my interests, struggles, and contemplations from anyone any longer.
• I commit myself to improve the quality of my writing for myself in order to be as clear as I can be, rather than feeling pushed to turn out a lot of stuff so that people can recognize me better.
• I commit myself to not write for others, but for me, because I write about my process, and sorting out various difficult issues about myself does require time and effort and will never be perfect.
• I commit myself to not let me be bogged down if on some days I don’t have much to write about at all because I am still caught up in an internal process that needs to be made clearer before it can break through the surface of my awareness so that I can talk/write about it clearly enough to actually make a point.
• I commit myself to regard my writing as an important from of physical action in this world, equally important as other types of physical work (for example work in the garden, or a walk in the woods) as long as the writing is made as clear as possible and I am happy with the outcomes of my writing so that I can release it into the public because it truly represent the awareness of me as expressed in my words and also truly reflects who I AM at this point in my life (which is unavoidable anyway, because my actions/inactions ALWAYS give an accurate reflection of who I currently AM).