During the past days I have not had company and thus I took my freedom to stop working on the boat and rather reflect a bit on my life and where I want to go with it. I could have easily written daily Journey-to-Life blogs or continue with my DIP-Process, but both did not appeal to me. There was something inside that blocked me from doing it. I just could not find an issues to write a blog about or find a negative/emotional attachment to write about. I banged my head against the wall for quite some time because I did not want to believe or accept that it would be so difficult to continue with JTL or DIP. But after a few days I gave up. I just was not clear enough about what was going on inside of me and so I simply could not do it.
Of course I found “permission slips” for deviating from writing my JTL blog and postponing the DIP process further. And the most improtant reason for me was this: Both, JTL and DIP “require” daily committments. And on most days while I am not berthed in Marina with my ship, I just have no time or the freedom to do that. But I also skip it on other days when I could write. And the internal reason for doing so is my belief that it should not be “required” to write daily. This to me seems like an enslavement to the Desteni-idea and I view this then as a doctrine like a religious doctrine that needs to be followed because someone says so. I cannot accept that and I also excuse it with my life cicumstances.
So I found my reasons to only write from time to time and I accept those reasons for now, even though I also see the benefit of writing daily. On the other hand, such days with a lot of free time, as I had them during the past days, also have value. During those days, I usually switch from acitivy (working on the boat, connecting with people on Facebook, looking for a new relationship) to more and more contemplation. After a couple of days I hardly get out of bed and only contemplate. I contemplate my life, where I am at with it, what my issues are, what I want to change, why I want to change and in which way, and so on. I question everything, including Desteni, my life on the boat, my relationships, what I am doing with my time, my beliefs about life, and so on.
Interestingly enough, this always brings me to the same ideas that deeply touch my heart. And these are the following:
- I am concerned about money as I have not worked for almost three years now and my savings are almost gone. But I cannot bring myself to take on a new job just for the money. This would be a denial of who I think I am and enslave me to a way of living that I cannot follow anymore, as I have for 45 years of my life.
- I cannot accept the idea that we live in a world in which others (governments) rule over us without our (at least my) consent. I was born free and without my approval I became the property of the government who occupies the space in which I was born. Which right did they have to do this and take away our chances to live our own lifes on the land we were born? Now, these governments force me/us to comply to their rules of enslavement. Since all areas of the world are occupied by someone, there is no space left for anyone to live freely. This is wrong.
- This government and all the others of the world are destrying this world. They rule over people and require them to work so that they can steal tax money from them to exploit the earth and its resouces and do things nobody wants or needs (like bulding weaponry and kill people with it en masse). We pollute our environment (the sea, the air, the land) with our technology (of which we are so proud) and thus poison the food we eat, the water we drink, and the air we breathe. We kill ourselves, slowly but surely. And our entire societey is built in a such a way as to support this model, which we even call a developed society. This is not what I think a government should be doing or what I regard as developed in any way. A socity or race that destroyes the plante it lives on and the resources it needs, while killing its people on purpose and that is unable to care for all its fellow human is in no way developed. I cannot accept to be part of such a culture and therefore I withdraw my compliance to their rules and all forms of enslavment they require me to submit to. This was one of the major reasons I bought a saling boat to live on.
Thoughts like this come up when I have the time to ponder. But in order to do so I need time alone and time that is free of any committments. I have been realizing all this for quite some time ( a few years) but it seems I have not taken any steps yet to change any of it. Not with action, not with tought, not with word. And this needs to change.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself with pleasurable activites (like working on my boat, sailing, and visiting nice bays and beaches) even though in the back of my mind these activities have no value for me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself from engaging in valuable or meaingful activies because I believe they cannot support me financially enough to survive in this world.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for money to rule over my existence and using the felt need to make money, or save money, or invest money, to direct my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money the ruler of my life instead of disenganging from this enslavement through action, thought, and word, and speak, think, and act in ways that change this.
- I commit myself to think about the enslavement of the people in this world, the destruction of the environment, and better solutions that can bring about opportunities for all to live a free and sustaining life on earth.
- I commit myself to speak about the enslavement of the people in this world, the destruction of the environment, and better solutions which bring about opportunities for all to live a free and sustaining life on earth.
- I commit myself to act about the enslavement of the people in this world and the destruction of the environment in ways that support better solutions which bring about opportunities for all to live a free and sustaining life on earth.